Apparently, everyone IS jumping off a bridge...

Despite my never-ending desire to remain relatively trendy, I have resisted my urges to visit the local shopping mall.  Now that I'm married, I'm trying to be more responsible with money.  Realizing that I have a tendency toward impulse buying and a weakness for brand names, I find it best to keep the fat man away from the buffet.

However, a couple of weeks ago, I found myself patrolling the mall in search of a fix.  Recently, the Lord smiled on us. My wife and I were the lucky recipients of a modest windfall.  We decided that we could each spend $100 on whatever we wanted.  My mind began to ponder what I could get for $100.  My rather expensive taste usually limits me to one or two items.  I love shoes, and could easily go over our agreed amount.  I also like jeans and ties and sweaters.

Following dinner at Outback Steakhouse, we traveled down the street to the mall where every other citizen in the county happened to be shopping. I sincerely dislike mall crowds.  Malls make people rude.  No one wants to walk on the right side of the corridor. They all want to get in my way.  They want to walk too slowly in front of me.  It's like I'm the star of a show that's a cruel mix of Punk'd and the Truman Show.  I feel like people are intentially hindering my shopping experience.

After visiting a shoe store together, my wife and I decided to part ways.  She'd browse her stores and I'd browse mine.  Our daughter decided that she wanted shop with mom instead of dad. No big deal, other than the fact that I was stuck toting the kiddo's coat.  I found this a little less sissifying than being stuck holding a purse. Being someone's dad is much cooler than being that hen-pecked dude following his better half around the place holding her shoulder duffle.

As we head off to our separate searches for sale racks, I began to think about the stores I would want to visit.  I'm the opposite of my wife, the planner.  She knew before she got out of bed this morning which stores she'd want to visit.  I didn't know  where I wanted to go until I walked past the place.  I began to notice the volume of youngsters crowding the passageways.  I imagined the scene was similar to a high school at lunch time; there were packs of teens, tweens and even little cliques of pre-teens everywhere.  I observed that as they chattered and texted and loitered about, I could feel something, like a presence, surrounding me... 

Then I realized what it was!  Skinny jeans! And they are taking over the world.  Boys, girls, tall, short, it didn't matter.  There wasn't a well-fitting pair of pants in the place.  Let me be clear: I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SKINNY JEANS.  They can be worn modestly and can look great.

(We'll consider this the 'Do' portion of today's lesson.)

I really only have a problem if you aren't skinny and you wear skinny jeans. Just because something is cool and trendy, it isn't necessarily cool and trendy for you.  I say this because skinny jeans aren't meant to hide much.  These jeans have a low rise and are designed to hug every nook and cranny below the waist. The mall was overrun with flabby physiques stuffed into tight pants.

(I only like muffin tops for breakfast.)

We live in a media-saturated society.  We have day-and-night access to all things trendy and cool.  So when Megan Fox or Beyonce or Zac Efron are spotted rockin' skinny jeans, of course Jenny and Jonny want a pair just like the them. It's popular culture. You can't be the only one that isn't wearing the latest fashion. I get it.  No one wants to be left out.  Unfortunately, you decided to leave yourself out by not maintaining a healthy height-weight ratio.

It has been said that today's youth are more impressionable than youngsters of the past.  I don't know if I really buy that.  I think that parents do less parenting, less impressing and less correcting than they used to.  I'm confident that it's not the kids' fault.  Parents have gotten too lazy to lead and too afraid to educate. As I passed store after store and flock after flock of kids crammed into their pants, I noted the lack of chaperones. You haven't taught your kid any manners, you haven't made your kid exercise, and you've spent way too much money on too little fabric.  Now little Jenny and Jonny have stuffed themselves into these finely stitched fashion statements, and they won't excuse themselves from blocking the walkway.

Parents, this is a cry for help.  Your children are begging for your attention.  Skinny jeans on chunky kids is a public display of your lack of concern for their self-esteem. Your kids need discipline and a diet.  They need your loving words of reassurance and honesty. They need to hear you say that there is more appropriate clothing in their closets and that an apple is a good snack.

Really, I know better.  As I said, I'm a parent too.  I never want to deny my daughter's smiling face when she really wants something. I was a cool kid.  I was trendy.  I had the latest shoes and the cool jeans. I've also been the fat kid. I remember being teased for my weight.  My mom had to hem men's pants for me when I was in the fourth grade. I was 140 pounds and had a bigger waist then than I do as a 30-year-old man. She loved me enough to tell me that I'd had enough TV and it was time to go outside and play.