Men Don't Need Feelings, Just Opinions

So I've found out that many of the cliches regarding marriage are true. I love and respect my wife more and more each day. I have learned that a good marriage does take hardwork, but there's one in particular that also holds true. I don't remember who said it but I think it goes, 'Love is blind, but marriage is the eye-opener.'

My eyes have been opened to a few things.  One thing in particular has finally hit me like a bolt of lightening. My wife has been telling me about my subpar communication skills for a time, but I always kind of wrote off those comments as disgruntled reactions to whichever disagreement we were enduring at the time. I have come to realize that she was right. I'm a pretty rotten communicator.  By 'rotten' I mean male. By female standards, I am a below average communicator.  By wife standards, I'm downright lousy most of the time. I do take solace with the fact that mostly all men would fall into this category with me.  However, my wife isn't married to most men and she is not most women.  You can either get on her bandwagon, or get run over. Being a guy, an average guy who likes football and bloody steaks, is no excuse.

I thought I was fine before I got married.  I thought my interpersonal communication skills were above average, and more than adequate for any situation, setting or topic.  When I did have to communicate, I could mask it with sarcasm and charisma. I could flash a smile and that would be that.  I've had to learn many things about how to talk and convey a message during my time working at a car dealership.  I had grown to what I thought was a strong communicator, a wordsmith of sorts.  Well unfortunately, my wife isn't a buyer. I've almost had to re-learn the English language. I didn't have to share so many of my personal thoughts with such regularity. None of my relationships had so much riding on verbal communication.

One of the most important things I've learned about communication during my 16-month marriage journey actually goes against what many people advised me previously... Julie does NOT want me to share my feelings. Guys, sharing our feelings is the equivalent to singing in the shower. Our women want us to feel comfortable enough to do so, but they don't really want to hear those awful sounds.

When I do share my feelings, my good intentions commonly share the same result as a failed science experiment, I end up having to do more explaining than sharing. Instead of taking my words as I use them, my wife (like most women) tends to think that there is more to what I'm saying than what I'm actually saying like I'm speaking metaphorically or using some sort of code.

(Paraphrasing the need for pizza.)

My sharing then concludes with one of us being the victim and the other desperately fleeing the scene of the crime. But I suppose the confusion comes from the complexities of the female brain and the simplicity of the male's.

An opinion is an interpretation, basically one's take on a given topic. Opinions can be broken-down, discussed and debated. This is what women like: banter, discussion. Opinions are relative. Feelings, while it is possible to interpret a person's feelings, feelings cannot be debated. Feelings are absolute.

While I've realized that certain occurences, topics or issues absolutely require a true outpouring of my feelings, what my wife really wants is for me to share some sort of opinion. I've deduced that my opinion is actually what she's after, not my feelings. She wants to feel included in my life. She needs to know that we actually have a relationship, that we can communicate about things. She needs to know that I trust her with my thoughts. But it's not like handing over a spare house key as a symbol of trust to your best friend. It's a daily reaffirmation of love, value and trust.

I've had to figure out that verbal stimulation is a need for her. She has to talk, even on days when the last thing I want to do is to talk about anything. All of those thoughts cannot remain bottled inside her head. Some days I think simply inhaling and exhaling produces words to emit from my wife and daughter, who is has become quite the little chatterbox.  My simple brain can't process the verbal cues as quickly as they send them. It causes overload and shutdown.

I read some column once that discussed the disparities of male and female communication. The author stated that on the average, men use about 7000 words in a day compared to a woman's 20000. TWENTY THOUSAND WORDS. I think my jaw would cramp and lock up.   The conversation is a metaphor for the back-and-forth, give-and-take of the relationship. It takes two.  Actually, it takes one and a third, because fortunately I don't have to keep pace. I just have to engage, be a willing participant and toss in a word for every three.